Watching What You Eat?

For those of you who watch what you eat, here’s the final word on nutrition and health. It’s a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

  • The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  • The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  • The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  • The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.
  • The Germans drink a lot of beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Conclusion

  • Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.

Heaven and Hell

While walking down the street one day a corrupt Senator was tragically hit by a car and died.

His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the Senator.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really?, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the Senator.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.
They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the Senator realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven…???

So, 24 hours passed with the Senator joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The Senator reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls from above

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the Senator. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning, Today, you voted.”

Drunken Diction

Things that are difficult to say when drunk:

  • Innovative
  • Preliminary
  • Proliferation
  • Cinnamon

Things that are very difficult to say when drunk:

  • Specificity
  • Anti-constitutionalistically
  • Passive-aggressive disorder
  • Transubstantiate

Things that are downright impossible to say when drunk:

  • No thanks, I’m married.
  • Nope, no more booze for me!
  • Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
  • Taco Bell ? No thanks, I’m not hungry.
  • Good evening, officer. Isn’t it lovely out tonight?
  • Oh, I couldn’t! No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
  • I’m not interested in fighting you.
  • Thank you, but I won’t make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I’d hate to look like a fool!
  • Where is the nearest bathroom? I refuse to pee in this parking lot or on the side of the road.
  • I must be going home now, as I have to work in the morning.

Work

We are in trouble…

  • The population of this country is 300 million.
  • 160 million are retired.
  • That leaves 140 million to do the work.
  • There are 85 million in school.
  • Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
  • Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
  • Leaving 15 million to do the work.
  • 2.8 million are in the armed forces preoccupied with killing Osama Bin-Laden.
  • Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
  • Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city Governments. And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
  • At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
  • Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
  • Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.

That leaves just two people to do the work — you and me.

And there you are, sitting on your ass, at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice…

Really nice.