CDC Alert!

Center for Disease Control Alert

The Centers for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues, or anyone else via any means whatsoever – DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life completely. If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes – Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

Ten Thoughts for 2008

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8

Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won’t bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky … not really good for anything, but  you still can’t help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial  tax cut saves you $0.30?

Number 2

In the ’60’s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world  is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Number 1
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among  the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven’t got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located.  Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today
Life is like a jar of jalapeños.  What you do today, might burn your ass tomorrow.

 

You Know You’re Living in 2007 When …

  1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
  2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
  3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
  4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
  5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
  6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
  7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
  8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
  9. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
  10. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.
  11. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
  12. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
  13. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
  14. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list
  15. And now you’re laughing at yourself.

New Element on the Periodic Table

The National Institute of Science, a major research institute, has just announced the discovery of the densest element yet know to science. The new element has been named “Bushcronium.”  Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy  neutrons and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving an atomic mass of 311.

These particles are held together by dark forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. The symbol for Bushcronium is “W”. Bushcronium’s mass actually increases over time, as morons randomly interact with various elements of the atmosphere and become assistant deputy neutrons in a Bushcronium molecule, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed wherever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as a “critical morass”. When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element that radiates orders of magnitude more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons.

A New (Political) Element Discovered!

A major research institution has just announced the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science. The new element has been named “Bushcronium.”

Bushcronium has one neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons, and 224 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an Atomic mass of 311. These 311 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since Bushcronium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected, as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Bushcronium causes one reaction to take over 4 days to complete when it would normally take less than a second. Bushcronium has a normal half-life of multiples of 4 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Bushcronium’s mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganization will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to believe that Bushcronium is formed whenever morons reach a certain quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “Critical Morass.”

When catalyzed with money, Bushcronium activates Foxnewsium, an element which radiates orders of magnitude, more energy, albeit as incoherent noise, since it has 1/2 as many peons but twice as many morons.

Peace Offering

In Jerusalem, a female CNN journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out. She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was.

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview. “I’m Rebecca Smith from CNN. Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! What do you pray for?”

“I pray for peace between the Christians, Jews and the Muslims. I pray for all the hatred to stop and I pray for all our children to grow up in safety and friendship.”

“How do you feel after doing this for 60 years?”

“Like I’m talking to a fuckin’ wall.”