Dead duck (groaner warning!)

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird’s chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m so sorry, your pet has passed away.”

The distressed owner wailed, “Are you sure?”

“Yes, I’m sure. The duck is dead,” he replied.

“How can you be so sure”, she protested. “I mean, you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head. The vet patted the dog and took it out.

A few moments later he returned with a beautiful cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed the bird from its beak to its tail and back again. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, jumped down and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill.

“$150!” she cried. “$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?”

The vet shrugged. “I’m sorry. If you’d taken my word for it, the bill would have only been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it all adds up.”

Air Force One

George Bush, Dick Cheney and Donald Rumsfeld are flying on Air Force One. Bush turns to Cheney and says, chuckling, “You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy.” Cheney shrugs and replies, “Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.” Not to be outdone, Rumsfeld says, “Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.” The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, “Such arrogant asses back there. Hell, I could throw them all out the window and make millions of people happy.”

 

Welcome to New California

Dear Red States:

We’re ticked off at the way you’ve treated California, and we’ve decided we’re leaving. We intend to form our own country, and we’re taking the other Blue States with us. In case you aren’t aware, that includes Hawaii, Oregon, Washington, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Michigan, Illinois and the entire Northeast. We believe this split will be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly:

  • You get Texas, Oklahoma and all the slave states.
  • We get stem cell research and the best beaches.
  • We get Elliot Spitzer. You get Ken Lay!
  • We get the Statue of Liberty. You get OpryLand.
  • We get Intel and Microsoft. You get WorldCom.
  • We get Harvard. You get Ole’ Miss.
  • We get 85 percent of America’s venture capital and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama.
  • We get two-thirds of the tax revenue; you get to make the red states pay their fair share.
  • Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than the Christian Coalition’s, we get a bunch of happy families. You get a bunch of single moms.

Please be aware that Nuevo California will be pro-choice and anti-war, and we’re going to want all our citizens back from Iraq at once. If you need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have kids they’re apparently willing to send to their deaths for no purpose, and they don’t care if you don’t show pictures of their children’s caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq, and hope that the WMDs turn up, but we’re not willing to spend our resources in Bush’s Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of 80 percent of the country’s fresh water, more than 90 percent of the pineapple and lettuce, 92 percent of the nation’s fresh fruit, 95 percent of America’s quality wines (you can serve French wines at state dinners) 90 percent of all cheese, 90 percent of the high tech industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister schools, plus Harvard, Yale, Stanford, Cal Tech and MIT.

With the Red States, on the other hand, you will have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and their projected health care costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100 percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99 percent of all Southern Baptists, virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University of Georgia.

We get Hollywood and Yosemite, thank you!

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent believe life is sacred unless we’re discussing the death penalty or gun laws, 44 percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that Saddam was involved in 9/11 and 61 percent of you crazies believe you are people with higher morals then we lefties.

By the way, we’re taking the good pot, too.

You can have that dirt weed they grow in Mexico.

Sincerely,

Author Unknown in New California.